Money can be a stressful topic in any relationship.
But not all couples have open communication when it comes to their finances - some are hiding things.
According to Bankrate’s recently released annual survey on financial infidelity, it turns out a lot of people are keeping secrets from their partners.
“Financial infidelity is basically keeping money secrets from your spouse or partner,” says Ted Rossman, a senior industry analyst at Bankrate. “We found that 42% of Americans who are married or otherwise living with a romantic partner are doing this. The most common example is secret spending, as in, spending more than your partner would be okay with. Beyond that, it's things like secret debt, secret bank accounts, and secret credit cards.”
Bankrate’s survey found that 37% of people are keeping money secrets because they desire financial privacy or control of their finances.
Another 33% say they never felt the need to share or the topic never came up.
And 28% admitted they were embarrassed about their money management habits.
Young adults are driving the trend.
“Two-thirds of Gen Zers who are married or otherwise living with a partner have kept or are keeping a financial secret,” says Rossman. “More than half of millennials are doing so. I think young adults are driving this for a few reasons. One is that many have divorced parents, and they remember what happened when mom and dad split up. And maybe they're going to keep their own stash of money on the side in case the relationship doesn't work out.”
Rossman says people are also getting married later and are used to having their own income. And it can be hard to merge that with someone else.
Financial expert Misty Lynch is the host of “Heartbroke,” a reality series where she counsels couples with money problems.
“Financial infidelity is a huge deal,” says Lynch, owner of Sound View Financial Advisors. “A lot of times it can be things that we're ashamed of, like credit card debt, student loan debt, you know, a gambling problem, overspending. I see that a lot where people are very ashamed of it and they feel like if they told their partner their partner would not love them anymore, they would think poorly of them. They might leave them. They think of the worst-case scenarios, but other times people might have more money saved. They might be making more money than they've maybe let on.”
Your partner will likely find out about what you’re hiding eventually. Being open and honest can lead to a better outcome.
“If you decide that you want to work as a team together, sometimes you can make progress a lot faster, even if that means coming clean about some financial history that you might have, or some problems that you need to either address or try to resolve,” says Lynch. “Usually, people want to help the people they love, they want to work with them… financial problems, a lot of couples face them and get through them. It's really the lying that hurts.”
And if you’re uncomfortable having the conversation, get some help.
“Even if it involves a third party, somebody like a financial advisor or, even a relationship therapist, if you have trouble talking about these things, sometimes having somebody else who can kind of help guide a conversation can be really beneficial and worth it to, to make sure that your relationship stays strong,” says Lynch.
If you’re in a relationship that’s getting serious, Lynch recommends asking questions to try to get an understanding about how your partner thinks and feels about money just in case things move in a more serious direction. And she recommends continuing to talk about finances early and often with your partner.
FAQs
“Financial infidelity is basically keeping money secrets from your spouse or partner,” says Ted Rossman, a senior industry analyst at Bankrate. “We found that 42% of Americans who are married or otherwise living with a romantic partner are doing this.
Is it wrong to hide money from your spouse? ›
Hiding money, assets, income, and even debt is a bigger problem in marriages than you think, especially when divorce is on the horizon. It is also illegal.
Is financial infidelity as bad as cheating? ›
That's because lying to a partner or keeping secrets from them about finances is a big deal, and for some folks, it's just as bad as cheating. A NerdWallet survey found that almost half of Americans with a partner have withheld financial information from them.
What are the ethical issues with regard to hiding money from your spouse? ›
Intentionally hiding assets or providing false information violates the duty of full financial disclosure. When hidden assets are discovered, the court may impose severe penalties on the spouse attempting to conceal them. These penalties can range from a loss of credibility to potential financial sanctions.
What to do when your husband hides money from you? ›
If you suspect that your spouse is hiding money from you, it's important to approach the situation with care and sensitivity. “Try to have an open and honest conversation about your concerns, and try to gather as much information as possible about any hidden financial accounts or assets,” McKenna said.
What is a red flag that a spouse is hiding assets? ›
It should be a red flag if your spouse takes complete control of the finances or changes the passwords, so you cannot get into your accounts. If your bank statements are mailed to you, you may suddenly stop receiving them if your spouse changes your mailing address with the bank without your knowledge.
How to tell if a spouse is hiding money? ›
Bank account statements: These statements will provide valuable information about your spouse's income, regular expenses, and whether unusual deposits or withdrawals were made. Bank statements will also show whether a large sum of money was used to purchase real estate or other assets in your spouse's name only.
Can a relationship survive financial infidelity? ›
Like sexual or emotional cheating, financial infidelity can sink a relationship. But if each partner is willing to put in the work, they can often heal—as well as resolve the underlying issues that paved the way for it in the first place.
Is financial infidelity abuse? ›
Financial infidelity is surprisingly common. But when one partner keeps money secrets or withholds financial information from the other partner, it might be a sign of abuse.
Is financial infidelity a deal breaker? ›
Financial infidelity involves hiding savings, debts, and spending from your partner. Keeping money-related secrets in relationships is the number-one financial deal breaker.
Your spouse may have a habit that he or she does not want you to know about. Maybe he or she is having an affair or has a drug addiction. Your spouse conceals the money that he or she has spent in the hopes of preventing you from finding out about the secret.
Can I sue my husband for hiding money from me? ›
If someone deliberately hides assets, the court could see it as defying a court order, leading to fines or even jail time for contempt. Monetary Sanctions: The court might order the guilty spouse to pay the other spouse's attorney fees or other court-imposed fines as a penalty for hiding marital assets.
What do you do when your partner lies about money? ›
Don't ambush your partner
Find a time when you both can calmly talk through what's going on. “Things may go smoother if you get a professional involved,” Pritchard says. “Some financial therapists have professional licenses as well as financial expertise, and they may be extremely helpful.”
What is a financial deceit in marriage? ›
Defensiveness or stonewalling when one partner raises the subject of money is common among couples struggling with financial infidelity. The list goes on, from hidden income to secret shopping and trips to casinos, to hiding bank statements and cutting a partner from joint accounts.
Is it illegal to hide money from your spouse while married? ›
In California, some penalties for hiding marital assets in a divorce, considered contempt of court, can include perjury charges and loss of the hidden marital asset. Hiding matrimonial assets is illegal under any circ*mstance.
Should you forgive financial infidelity? ›
Ultimately, you must forgive the financially unfaithful spouse to move on. While you may not be able to undo what has happened, you can exercise some control over the future. Your focus needs to be on how to move forward together and achieve mutual goals.
Is it OK to hide things from your spouse? ›
Some things to remember in any relationship: You have the right to privacy in any relationship, including with your spouse, partner, and family. In any relationship, you have the right to keep a part of your life secret, no matter how trivial or how important, for the sole reason that you want to.
What percent of individuals admit hiding money from their spouse? ›
“We found that 42% of people who are currently married or living with their romantic partner have kept a financial secret from that person,” says Bankrate Senior Economic Analyst Ted Rossman. Among the financial secrets: 30% admit spending more than their spouse or partner would approve of. 23% are holding secret debt.
Should my husband control my money? ›
Know that your partner does not have a right to control your money, you, your career, or how you live your life. Know that they do not have a right to make demands, make you feel crazy or fearful, or provide constant excuses. However, you do not need to express this to your partner.
How do I protect my money from my spouse? ›
How to Financially Protect Yourself in a Divorce
- Legally Establish The Separation Or Divorce. ...
- Get A Copy Of Your Credit Report And Monitor Activity. ...
- Separate Debt To Financially Protect Assets. ...
- Move Half Of Joint Bank Balances To A Separate Account. ...
- Comb Through Assets. ...
- Conduct Cash Flow Analysis.
